When a person can be married in the morning and thrown out of a restaurant for being gay in the afternoon, this is still wrong….This law, and the love it defends, strike a blow against hate in all its forms.  And that’s why this law matters to every single American, no matter who you are or who you love. ~ President Joe Biden, upon signing the 2022 Respect for Marriage Act

“To celebrate love and happiness and loyalty and in my opinion, a little bit of magic.” ~ Chandra Wilson, Bailey, who officiated at the wedding of Callie and Arizona in Grey’s Anatomy

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another .”~ Jesus of Nazareth, Holy Bible, NKJV, John 13:34-35

“In future cases, we should reconsider all of this Court’s substantive due process precedents, including Griswold, Lawrence, and Obergefell. Because any substantive due process decision is ‘demonstrably erroneous’ we have a duty to ‘correct the error’ established in those precedents.” ~ Justice Clarence Thomas, upon overturning Roe v. Wade

Eight years ago on Friday, June 26, 2015, the Supreme Court declared in Obergefell v. Hodges that same-sex marriages are legal throughout the United States, in every state of the Union. That was a major civil-rights milestone in our history.  Since then, hundreds of thousands of same-sex couples have tied the knot. And, back then, I included a post on same-sex wedding etiquette entitled, Wedding Belles in my Wedding Series (kindly work your way backward from the “The Wrap Up” to the beginning of the series). 

For those who might question the value to our country that same-sex marriage brings, it can be said that not only is it in keeping with the spirit of American ideals that all people must be treated equally and fairly — but it is an economic boon. According to the UCLA School of Law’s Williams Institute, by 2020: “An estimated 293,000 same-sex couples have married since Obergefell. As these couples married, their weddings generated an economic boost for state and local economies nationwide. We estimate that wedding spending by these couples and their out-of-state guests has boosted state and local economies by an estimated $3.8 billion and generated an estimated $244.1 million in state and local sales tax revenue since the Obergefell decision. This spending supported an estimated 45,000 jobs for one full year.” What a nice return for investing in LGBTIQA+ love and equality! 

As this vibrant community continues to evolve in mainstream consciousness, I think now is a great time to revisit wedding etiquette.  Hence, I’m offering an update to my previous post to pay homage to Pride Month and also one of the most popular wedding months (although in recent years June has occasionally been edged out by October as the most popular wedding month).

Basic etiquette rules are the same for everyone, but there are some considerations that LGBTIQA+ couples and their guests need to consider.

• LGBTIQA+-Friendly Wedding Planners – I became a fan of wedding planners when our daughter and her groom hired a planner to help with the myriad details involved with their wedding. They felt that the help they received was well worth the expenditure. Decades ago, my husband and I planned our own wedding, as it was a relatively small, simple affair. But many weddings can become quite complicated, and a wedding planner can help to find the right venue and vendors and save the wedding couple time and money, not to mention their sanity. For gay, transgender and non-binary couples, hiring a wedding planner to help assemble the best LGBTIQA+-friendly team can help to ensure a smooth and memorable occasion   
• Vendors – All wedding couples want to feel comfortable with the vendors they choose to plan their momentous event. Some LGBTIQA+-friendly websites that can be helpful with this include GayWeddings.com, pridezillas.com, equallywed.com, offbeatwed.com, and dancingwithher.com.
• Religious Ceremonies – A number of churches in the U.S. perform LGBTIQA+ nuptials. The Human Rights Campaign website offers some guidance on that score. That said, many religious organizations remain conflicted, including the Roman Catholic Church,  Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the Orthodox Jewish sect, among others. But LGBTIQA+ couples are not alone; throughout history opposite-sex couples frequently have run afoul of their church’s teachings and rules on marriage, including interracial (even decades after the 1967 Loving ruling!) and interfaith unions and those who  divorce. If you find that a religious ceremony will not be possible — or you wish to reject the bigotry —  consider a legal and binding non-religious ceremony officiated by a friend who is ordained or hire a non-religious officiant. And because you can plan your wedding however you wish, you can write your own vows and ask a cherished friend or relative to deliver a religious reading as part of the ceremony. 
• Invitations – It’s always important to be clear about the details and instructions on your wedding invitation, as well as the save-the-date notification. For more information, check my Wedding Series posts on the subject: The Formal Invitation – Part I, Part 2 and Part 3 and  Informal To Casual Invitations. Some modifications could be using Ms. and Ms. or Mr. and Mr., or the gender-neutral honorific Mx, or simply leave them off.  If one set of parents is sending the invitation, the word “child” may be substituted for daughter or son; if both sets of parents are sending the invitation, the word “children” may be used.
•  Honor Attendants – According to Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners for Every Occasion (a book I recommend for all LGBTIQA+ individuals as well as for all etiquette consultants), “Bridesmaids and Groomsmen…are often simply called “honor attendants” at LGBT weddings, with a gender mix of the couple’s choosing.” This is also an idea for opposite-sex couples, according to Martha Stewart’s webpage: “A bride who is especially close to a brother or male friend may choose a man as her honor attendant; the same holds true for a groom who wants to include a close female relative or friend.” I also note that theknot.com recommends Equally Wed: the Ultimate Guide to Planning Your LGBTQ+ Wedding, among other wedding guides.
• Wedding Attire: There is a lot of leeway to be creative with wedding attire; brides and grooms have options to dress stylishly and strikingly alike or different.  Feel free to observe traditional wedding attire, androgynous style or other innovative fashion trends for guys and dolls.
• Parental Roles  – Modern wedding couples, whether gay or straight, have been moving away from the tradition of the father-of-the-bride “giving away” his daughter to the groom. But for gay or straight weddings, couples can choose to include and honor their parents in a variety of ways, regardless of gender and tradition, including having them both walk down the aisle together or with their respective children, inviting them to dance with their children in the first wedding dance, and giving them a thoughtful and heartfelt toast at the reception. Just be sure to include your parents in the planning to ensure that they concur and know what to expect in advance.

Whether you are an LGBTIQA+ bride, groom, marrier, parent or other relative, friend, or invited guest, these are some of the wedding issues involved. But, just as wedding etiquette in general continues to evolve, especially with each new generation, we need to stay open-minded and open-hearted to new customs. 

Meanwhile, for everyone involved with a wedding: research, planning, consideration for the feelings of others, a sense of humor and flexibility are keys to keeping everything on track and ensuring a wonderful event for all. 

Happy Pride Month to all who are celebrating, and all the best in planning your weddings!

Until next time,

Jeanne

(Note: I am not endorsing the websites cited in this post, nor claiming to have used them; my intent is merely to inspire you to start your own research. For all wedding couples,  gay or straight, I believe it’s best to obtain endorsements from your personal trusted sources, if possible.)