I don’t like being lied to, so I only lie about the stupid things. White lies, basically. ~ Enrique Iglesias

“The moon was all aglow and heaven was in your eyes, the night that you told me those little white lies.” ~ Little White Lies, words and music by Walter Donaldson, sung by Ella Fitzgerald, circa 1939

“A certain Lady of the highest quality… makes a judicious distinction between a white lie and a black lie. A white lie is that, which is not intended to injure anybody in his fortune, interest, or reputation, but only to gratify a garrulous disposition and the itch of amusing people by telling them wonderful stories.” ~ The Gentleman’s Magazine, 1741

Sometimes we are so eager to be kind, or to please, or to get out of an uncomfortable situation that we will say or write something we consider to be compassionate, accommodating or soothing, and certainly harmless, even if it’s not quite truthful. You know, those so-called little white lies, sometimes called fibs. Have you told one today?

The Little White Lie vs. The Whopper

 According to the experts, as well as from my own experience, a white lie can fall into the following categories:

Being considerate of someone’s feelings by

• telling your nice new neighbor that you had a lovely time at his housewarming party — especially the part where his cousin played the spoons 
• saying your friend’s new wolf cut looks quite chic, while she is having a meltdown about it
• complimenting your oh-so-happy aunt and uncle on their kitchen reno when…agghh
• exclaiming, it’s lovely, when you receive a gift you don’t like from someone you do like
• pretending the drawing from the child you love is a masterpiece – it’s wonderful, is that me? 🙂

Such white lies can be harmless. Just be careful with them because they can backfire if your neighbor’s cousin volunteers to entertain at your next gathering, your friend wants to treat you to a wolf cut, your relatives want to help you renovate your kitchen, or you keep getting gifts you don’t like and drawings you run out of room to display. Then, you will have to be prepared with tactful and diplomatic firmness.

Getting out of sticky situations 

• by turning down or backing out of an invitation (headache, coming down with something, have another commitment)
• when getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar (these cookies are so good you just couldn’t resist…uh, that might actually be the truth) You realize these are just examples, right? 
• like forgetting an important date / anniversary / occasion (You didn’t forget! The gift got held up in shipping; you wanted to wait until the weekend to celebrate; and you’ve been so busy at work that what you really forgot is just to mention those things.) You could avoid this particular situation by keeping a good calendar, having a highly-desired emergency gift on hand, and knowing where you can get a last-minute super-boffo restaurant reservation! 

Impressing people by

• complimenting your significant other’s new outfit that they are wild about but you are not (you cannot imagine anyone looking any better in that amazing outfit…) 
• lauding your young coworker’s less-than-stellar first presentation (great job, you didn’t fall off the podium!) When you say you thought the presentation was great, for goodness’ sake have examples ready to back it up.
• endearing yourself to your future spouse’s relatives by raving about their no-so-great cooking (this is yummy, I’ve never had anything like this before, ever, in my life…) You need to accompany your white lie by have second helpings of everything — just kidding! This example could also fall under the being considerate category, as nothing good can come from failing to compliment someone’s cooking. The exceptions are, of course, if you are (or think you might be) allergic or sensitive to any dishes being served, but that is something that your spouse-to-be should have alerted the relatives about beforehand. Seriously.

White lies can be altruistic or self-serving, and it’s important to decide what your motive is behind telling one. A white lie can spare a person’s feelings and smooth over social situations. That’s important, provided a white lie doesn’t make things worse if someone later finds out that they were deceived, regardless of the intent. And, telling a white lie simply to impress or flatter — depending upon who it is — isn’t necessarily a good idea; in some cases, it will be better to mix honesty with diplomacy. 

In our complicated world, however, sometimes too much honesty can be detrimental to one’s relationships. An extreme — and hilarious — example is the predicament that Jim Carrey’s character in the 1997 movie, Liar Liar, found himself. Go here to take a look. 

So, in my view, most white lies are usually kind and harmless, or at least much less harmful than telling a whopper, the latter of which is neither kind nor considerate nor helpful to anyone. Whoppers are big lies that usually are meant to hide something, hurt someone or inflate someone’s attributes. Whoppers should be avoided, but if one somehow gets told, a confession and apology should soon follow to clear the air.

The hybrid lie might be that cross between a white lie and a whopper — known as the relatively harmless and often comical — “fish story,” or obvious tall tale. Here for your entertainment is an archived New York Times article entitled, Believe it: Fishermen Lie, Lie, Lie. 

If you do feel that you must tell a white lie, assess the occasion and why you believe it is really necessary to do so, and then consider the short and long-term consequences. Don’t toss out white lies like confetti or you will earn the reputation as not being reliable in your assessments. Rather, use the white lie sparingly and meaningfully, but be kindly and helpfully honest when possible and appropriate. 

When Someone Tells You a White Lie

No doubt we have all at some time been on the receiving end of a white lie. It’s possible we haven’t even realized it, unless we can spot one because we know the person well who is fibbing. 

Only purists who have never told any lie — white or otherwise — may be forgiven for taking umbrage at being a recipient. (Those purists usually can be counted on to give you the brutal truth, which sometimes can be productive even if you are not prepared to hear it!) Everyone else should give white-liars a break and treat them with understanding, perhaps even gratitude and with a sense of humor. After all, a good laugh, when shared by everyone involved, can offer relief in a tense situation. And that, I believe, is the truth. 

Until next time,

Jeanne