FAMILY HOLIDAY TRUCE

“In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.” ~ Alex Haley

“I didn’t know if you knew…so I’m taking this chance to say…that I had the best day with you today.” ~ Taylor Swift, lyrics from The Best Day (song about her mom)

“It’s not what’s under the Christmas Tree that matters; it’s who’s around it.” ~ Charlie Brown

“Family is not an important thing. It’s everything” ~ Michael J. Fox

We’ve been down this road before. The increasingly toxic political environment — not just in the U.S., but worldwide — continues to divide people and damage relationships. In 2017, I wrote about this condition and provided some of my own experiences and some etiquette advice in this post: Agree to Disagree Agreeably.

But since I wrote that post, we have experienced more mass school shootings; a pandemic that lasted from early 2020 until spring 2023 and wreaked havoc and hardship by taking lives and blowing up the economy; Roe v Wade overturned by the Supreme Court; transgender cultural attacks; free speech and voting suppression, restrictive healthcare access; immigration and border security issues; and two foreign wars involving countries allied with the U.S.

All that was followed by a contentious and further divisive 2024 election, which was among the closest in recent U.S. history. Those razor thin voting margins served to point out the sharp, almost 50-50 division among American citizens regarding political and cultural issues.

Families Divided

That brings us to the distressing issue of families being divided, with some members declining to join others for their usual holiday gatherings. I understand family members being estranged; there are many reasons for that. But for families that otherwise are close and traditionally spend the holidays together in joyful harmony to decide to spend them apart from each other over politics is heartbreaking to me.

But this particular election pointed out issues that could immediately, or over a relatively short time, dramatically and negatively affect the lives of Americans and other residents in the U.S. But I believe that in light of such threats, families should stick together, not pull apart.

So, maybe it’s time for a family holiday truce.

In periods of strife, there is safety and power in unification, and peril in isolation. But getting together with family members whom we love, yet bitterly disagree with over the very recent election, can be challenging. However, if we can get along with coworkers, neighbors, fellow volunteer workers and others with whom we must interact amicably and productively, why not make an effort on those occasions when we get together with family member? After all, this surely is not the only time that you’ve had disagreements with family, but still joined your loved ones for a holiday visit. And perhaps that is the determinant: were there bad feelings with family members before the election or did the election drive a wedge between family members who were otherwise close and on good terms and whose opinions, beliefs and feelings we generally respect?

While many are shocked and disappointed in how their parents, siblings and other relatives voted, it is often more constructive to find out why they voted the way they did. Though the holidays are not typically the best time to hash out family differences.

So, if getting together with family at this time is desired, or being unable to avoid it, but wishing to put aside talks of politics, following are some suggested replies when a family member or guest at a holiday dinner brings up such touchy subjects. I have found that interjecting some humor into situations can often offer relief and reestablish friendly bonds:

“Oh, Uncle Jim, I respect and appreciate your opinion — even if I disagree with it. But we don’t see each other often, and I would love to talk about more pleasant and agreeable topics right now. If you want to argue politics in the New Year, you’ve got my number!”
“Let me stop you there, Aunt Mona. My doctor has diagnosed me with a condition that causes me to projectile vomit when discussing politics or cultural issues that upset me. I don’t want to ruin your lovely ensemble, so let’s change the subject to something less contentious.”
“I’m so happy to be here with all of you at (Christmas) (Hanukkah) (Yuletide) (Kwanzaa) (Other), and would prefer to talk about pleasant topics, such as updates on what everyone has been doing lately. Jeff, I really want to hear about your college plans! Will you be visiting my alma mater?!”
“Nope. Let’s not talk politics. Lets. Just. Not. The election’s over, and we have all year to discuss our opinions. Right now, let’s enjoy our holiday gathering. Mom, please pass your fabulous sweet potato casserole before these vultures get their hands on it!”
“I understand your concerns, and would be interested in discussing them — calmly, ha! ha! — another time. Right now, I’m feeling festive and just want to enjoy your company and this wonderful dinner! Although, I would be interested in knowing everyone’s opinions about Time Out’s newly released Best Christmas Movies Of All Time list — now I have some issues with that…”

If you cannot avoid a political discussion — preferably away from the dining table — calmly listen to the opposing views and then present your own. Sometimes people can be persuaded to adjust their way of thinking if positions are presented with a non-judgmental, rational argument. As well, you might adjust your own way of thinking after listening to another’s reasoning. Do refuse to engage in emotional screaming matches, and don’t be afraid to excuse yourself if the conversation gets too heated. You need not tolerate being a target for a relative or friend unloading their grievances on you because you disagree on one or more issues.

Setting an example for the correct and acceptable behavior when discussing — or declining to discuss — controversial topics can benefit others, especially children who are present and observing closely, and make you feel better.

Schedule some time to have a heart-to-heart with your mom, dad, sibling or cousin another time, and convince them that enjoying the spirit of the holiday season is good for one’s heart, spiritually as well as health-wise.

Of course, there are exceptions. If you or your spouse or children will be especially uncomfortable or exposed to unpleasantness — especially if your relatives have voted against what you consider to be your own family’s or close friends’ immediate or particular situations, it might be better to postpone seeing them for now, and instead celebrate the holidays with like-minded friends or acquaintances. You can connect another time with your family to discuss the issues. For now, it might be better to take a well-deserved holiday breather from politics and family, so that when you are refreshed you can refocus on rebuilding your family ties. Just remember to leave the door open to make that possible. (“I love you [Mom and Dad] (Brother] [Sis] [Cuz], etc., but I need some time apart right now. Let’s get together later when we’ve had time to process and calm down.”)

However you decide to establish your family holiday truce, remember that winning — and healing — hearts and minds takes a lot of patience and understanding.

Set Aside (Parody Sung to the Tune of Deck the Halls)

As someone who is — to put it mildly — fond of Christmas and Hanukkah, I love carols and songs, and enjoy writing parodies. I also cannot imagine spending the holidays away from my family. So, I offer the following parody to you, along with my warmest wishes for your holidays, and for a bright New Year:

Set aside our sundry quarrels
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Think instead of giving laurels
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
There are things we can agree on
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Make our stormy feelings be gone
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
See our family before us
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Relent and let love restore us
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Nothing should ever divide us
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Let the love light glow inside us
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.