“In order to rise from its own ashes a phoenix first must burn.” ~ Octavia E. Butler, Parable of the Talents

“A person that thinks those who defend their country in uniform, or are shot down or seriously wounded in combat, or spend years being tortured as POWs are all ‘suckers’ because ‘there is nothing in it for them.’  A person that did not want to be seen in the presence of military amputees because ‘it doesn’t look good for me.’ A person who demonstrated open contempt for a Gold Star family — for all Gold Star families — on TV during the 2016 campaign, and rants that our most precious heroes who gave their lives in America’s defense are ‘losers’ and wouldn’t visit their graves in France.” ~ Remarks by retired United States Marine Corps General John Kelly about former President Donald Trump ~ NBC News

“Some of these schools are committed in the name of academic independence to staying neutral about political and social issues, and so far they have made it work. Others are fostering civil discourse on campus by engaging all sides, creating opportunities for discussion, and setting guidelines for acceptable behavior. ~ Nicole LaPorte, Town & Country

“Being civil may seem like the bare minimum of what we owe each other. But studies are finding that from home and the workplace to the political realm and the halls of Congress, incivility is on the rise.” ~ A Citizen’s Guide To Preserving Democracy ~ PBS

The legendary phoenix of Egyptian and Greek mythology was one of a kind. It lived several centuries and as it neared the end of its life it built a nest, set it on fire and was consumed in the flames. Then, from the ashes rose a new, beautiful and majestic fully grown phoenix, ready to live another multiple-century life.

As a society we have burned civility to the ground at regular intervals throughout our nation’s history. And we’ve been at it again for the past several years, with no end in sight.

So what’s the big deal? What is civility and why is it so blessed important?

Civility Is The Basis Of Citizenship

The word itself has its roots in citizenship according to the 14th century Old French word, civilite, which meant “civility,” and from the Latin, civilis, which means, “relating to a citizen, relating to public life, befitting a citizen.” In English, the meaning of civility is, “formal politeness and courtesy in behavior or speech.” Taken together, these definitions comprise the manner in which citizens of a civilized country are expected to discuss issues and take collaborative actions for the benefit of the country and its inhabitants, even if there is disagreement and compromise is necessary. Thus, the terms, “civil discourse,” peaceful protests and civil disobedience, can refer to, for example, discussing as well as objecting to specific laws, executive orders or Supreme Court decisions in a respectful, reasonable, peaceful and orderly manner, and even on occasion breaking the law and accepting the consequences.

Our Constitution provides for citizens to express their opinions in public. And while civil disobedience technically might not be protected by the Constitution, it does have, in the words of late legal scholar of Constitutional Law Ronald Dworkin, a “legitimate if informal place in the political culture.” (A Matter of Principal, Harvard University Press).

Examples of peaceful protests are the January 2017 Women’s March,  the November 1969 Anti-Vietnam War Demonstration, the 1955-56 Montgomery Bus Boycott and in our era, football players taking a knee.

Examples of civil disobedience include some union strikes, draft resistance during the Vietnam conflict era (conscientious objectors), Rosa Parks’s 1955 refusal to give up her seat on the bus to a white passenger, and the Boston Tea Party.

Hence, civility does not mean we cannot express our passion; get loud, express anger and outrage, or assert ourselves. Defeating an idea or an opponent is allowed. But civil discourse should always build on democracy, not tear it down.  For instance, take a look at the differences among these three reactions to losing presidential elections, and then take a look at this one.

From The Beginning, Civility And Incivility

However, the other meaning of civility, like the rules of etiquette, is rooted in respect, empathy, compassion, understanding and the desire to become more well informed and connected. The struggle to preserve such civility is not new. It dates back to the very beginning of our nation and has continued to the present. Periodically going up in flames and rising from the ashes is something civility has in common with the fabled Phoenix.

Dating back to the Revolutionary War era, Founding Father Benjamin Franklin started out as an abrasive, arrogant, know-it-all young man, and even in his middle-age wrote a tongue-in-cheek piece entitled, “Rules for Making Oneself a Disagreeable Companion.” But as he matured, Franklin learned that civility and diplomacy — often which go hand-in-hand — were more important than winning arguments or having the last word. As a result, in the pivotal year of 1776 Franklin became our fledgling nation’s first ambassador as he traveled to France seeking aid in our battle for independence from England. The two superpowers in Europe at the time, France and England were at odds with each other. But France, while interested in helping the newly declared United States of America win its independence from England, that nation still needed some convincing before it made its intervention official. Thus, if Franklin had not armed himself with civility and diplomacy to engage France, the U.S. of A might not exist today.

Further, when the man known as The Father of our Country, George Washington, was only 16 years old he copied 110 rules from what are thought to be those established by French Jesuits around 1595. They were published under the title, “110 Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation“ and are available today from at Amazon.com. It’s possible that what might have been a school exercise helped to shape Washington’s character, which in turn helped him to lead a Revolutionary War army to victory under the most challenging of situations and become the first leader of the nation he helped to create.

Following is a sampling of the 110 Rules, which have applied across centuries and generations and remain relevant today (and almost sound like poetry):

• Be not apt to relate news if you know not the truth thereof.
•  Undertake not what you cannot perform but be careful to keep your promise.
•  A man ought not to value himself of his achievements, or rare qualities of wit; much less of his riches, virtue or kindred.
• Think before you speak, pronounce not imperfectly nor bring out your words too hastily but orderly & distinctly.
• Reproach none for the infirmities of nature, nor delight to put them that have in mind thereof.
• Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of another though he were your enemy.
• When a man does all he can though it succeeds not well blame not him that did it.
• Use no reproachful language against any one neither curse nor revile.
• Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for ‘is better to be alone than in bad company.
• Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.

Alas, back in the days of our nation’s founding and for a century or so to follow there was plenty of incivility and indecency going around. Democrats, Federalists, Republicans, Whigs and other parties savaged each other verbally and shot each other in duels over political differences. Anger-management therapists and vigorously enforced gun control laws likely could have been useful back then.

Civility-Incivility In the 20th and 21st Centuries

The 1960s and ’70s ushered in both peaceful and violent protests and acts of civil disobedience in pursuit of equal rights for people of color and women as well as an end to the Vietnam conflict. Those protests and the shocks caused by the publication of the Pentagon Papers and the Watergate scandal brought about a shift in the way people related to each other. The urgency and passion to correct such wrongs swept away civility, respect, patience and decorum. Disdain for authority became the hallmark of a generation — my generation. And, yet, in everyday life, civility generally remained intact.

The late 1980s saw the demise of the 1949 FCC Fairness Doctrine and the subsequent rise of conservative talk radio.  A decade later the world was introduced to the Worldwide Web, which paved the way to the Information Superhighway, soon to become known as the Internet. That era’s middle-school students, which included my daughter and later became known as the Millennials, jumped on that superhighway and never looked back.

A Clash Of Concepts

That superhighway led to seismic changes in our society and the way we behave toward each other. The ability to communicate behind a computer screen — first in chat rooms and instant messaging, then email and then 21st century social media — allowed people to say things they might never say to someone face-to-face. The ability to hide one’s identity made it even easier to toss one’s manners and civility aside. The dark side of social media has facilitated the increase in rudeness, hatefulness, bullying, pedophilia, sexual predation and an onslaught of misinformation and disinformation.

As we’ve seen from our history, these behaviors are not exactly new in America. What is new is our exposure 24/7 to rude, hateful and indecent language and behavior. Authors Daniel M. Shea and Morris P. Fiorina declare in their book, Can We Talk?: The Rise of Rude, Nasty, Stubborn Politics, “the tone of politics might be no rougher than in past eras, but we simply are exposed to more of it.” 

With our personal devices we are exposed to around-the-clock negativity and incivility that is toxic to both adults and children, and tears at the fabric of our democracy. Such a constant assault on our sensibilities can cause us as individuals to unravel at home, in the community and in the workplace; and that, in turn, can cause our nation to unravel. 

Ironically, however, the Internet also triggered a dramatic increase in globalization that melded world populations culturally, financially and politically. This phenomenon required that people everywhere learn to work closely with those from other countries who were different from themselves, both online and face-to-face. Such globalization prompted necessary changes in organizational dress codes and other key policies. The upside of social media has facilitated connecting people for purposes of landing jobs, launching and nurturing careers, increasing business, establishing professional contacts, making new friends , and even finding romantic partners.

Thus, the Net has both divided and united people, and we need to master how to manage its positive and negative sides. (One negative side of the Net is the strangle hold that the major tech companies have on it — and us. I’m talking to you, Amazon, Apple, Google and Meta! And John Oliver agrees!)

Permission To Bully 

One can assume that the downward slide of civility is also responsible for the alarming rise in workplace bullying: a whopping 20 % of Americans are bullied at work and 60% of those bullied are women; 75% have witnessed bullying; 61% of the bullies are supervisors; only 1% of victims confront their tormentors and only 5% of reported cases of bullying are successfully resolved! Organizations value quality teamwork. But how can that exist with these kinds of numbers on the rise, if employees are bullied, disrespected, threatened, intimidated, abused, ostracized, marginalized and/or sabotaged?

Similarly, on college campuses, reportedly a quarter of students surveyed said they had witnessed bullying and five percent said they actually had been bullied, including by professors and coaches as well as other students. What is going on?!

Then there are student protests, as we saw recently on campuses across the U.S. in response to the civilian casualties of the Israel-HAMAS war. As a child of the ’60s and ’70s, I certainly appreciate and understand the value of student protests, even if I do not agree with every one of them. Student protests are part of citizenship and many have helped to change the course of history.  But protests should never involve bullying others who might disagree or counter protest.

What I don’t understand is the failure of many of today’s college and university leaders to expect and prepare for such protests, which are a part of student life especially during times of major national and international events. As First Amendment rights apply differently on private versus public campuses, students need to be guided as to their rights, responsibilities and consequences regarding protests. Perhaps offering an elective course or at least a pamphlet that is part of a student’s welcome packet or handbook would be helpful. Some institutions do this, such as Fordham and Harvard.  In addition. all faculty and staff should be trained in student protest management and be able to ensure the safety of all students and the freedom for all students to express opposing viewpoints. Finally, all law enforcement officers that are located near colleges and universities should be trained in how to safely manage student protests should they be called to intervene.

Taking Responsibility — Collective and Personal 

With all this in mind, what do we do about the current social and political environment in which even a former President of the United States — who is again running for office — uses the  destructive and divisive behaviors of aggression, name-calling, accusations, falsehoods and propaganda that have befouled our collective psyche?

For starters, we can all elect government representatives that are not only qualified for their respective offices in terms of hard skills and experience, but also possess high-quality character and a moral compass that will set a tone of unity and civility. Further, workers and students can assess potential employers and educational institutions for their cultural leanings and make informed decisions where to work and where to be educated.

But we cannot rely entirely on the government, employers and other leaders to take the reins to restore civility to our society. Each one of us must take personal responsibility for doing so. I like the well-known phrase, “let it begin with me.”

Here are some approaches we can all take wherever we live, whatever we do and whichever generation we belong to:

• Set an example of how we wish to be treated.
• Practice etiquette, ethics and empathy.
• Respect others, including family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, classmates, acquaintances and strangers regardless of cultural, ethnic, lifestyle, political or religious differences.
• Teach children self-esteem, self-respect and self-restraint.
• Dine together or otherwise spend quality time with the whole family regularly; aim for three times a week. Stay connected, supportive and close to each other.
• Listen to each other.
• Exhibit good judgment, sound reasoning, knowledge, understanding, open-mindedness, wit and humor when disagreeing with others.
• Question a person’s views or actions, but don’t criticize or verbally (or otherwise) attack the person.
• Study the issues, challenge the positions of candidates and elected officials and engage responsibly in civil discourse with others.
• When deciding to practice civil disobedience, carefully assess the consequences and be prepared to accept them, which could include school suspension or expulsion, job leave or termination, or even jail time. Being part of a large, peaceful group and ensuring favorable publicity could engender sympathy for your cause and disobedience. 
• Become well-practiced in identifying disinformation and misinformation, which have always been around but now are pumped rapidly and widely through social media and can be overwhelming. Here are some reputable fact-checking sites that also publish good tips on spotting the phony stuff: FactCheck.org , Snopes.com and Politifact.com (the latter is a Pulitzer Prize-winning site).
• Speak up and / or take appropriate and sensible action to right a wrong. For example, observe family rules, local laws and proper workplace and campus policies and procedures.

As a reminder, it did not take us long as a nation to allow our civility to go up in flames with the greatest of ease, so it will take us a while and a bit of effort to raise it from the ashes. But if we have the will, we will find the way.

In parting, I wish you all a peaceful and reflective Memorial Day. Let us remember and honor our fallen soldiers who gave their lives so that we could continue to build a more perfect union of freedom, liberty and justice for all. We must never allow their sacrifices  to have been in vain.

Until next time,

Jeanne